I’ve never really been much of a runner.  I used to do some racing through track in high school, but even the 800 meter was too far of a distance for me.  I lost my cookies a lot back then, because i’d run all out, lose steam and struggle to the finish, then have to hurl behind a building.  I didn’t have many friends.  Hurling a lot may not be the reason for that though.  My Mom registered me in ice skating, swimming, dancing, music, ball, younameitifitwasinourcommunityshesignedmeupforit, and it created some confusion for me.  I second-guessed all my decisions, unsure about what I liked best, unsure if I was really any good at anything.  Ended up not excelling at anything.  But for all that, most of those activities kept me in good enough shape to cover the fact that I wasn’t feeding myself good foods at home and I was learning how to gorge myself on food.

I spent a lot of my time after high school eating out, drinking on the weekends, and just generally being a lazy bum while getting a Bus Admn diploma.  I had a “look in the mirror and not recognize myself” moment once I was back home and unhappy with my current relationship.  Blah blah blah broke up with him, got together with someone else, blah blah blah repeat pattern.  I lost about 30 pounds during this time and took up smoking.  Never any good without a little bit of bad.

Then things got out of hand for me.  I was doing too much of the fun stuff and not taking responsibility for my life and my relationships with friends and family.  I have many regrets regarding these years of my life.  Many.

I tried a few times to shape up and get back on track.  In April 2007 I signed up for a 5k race.  Training consisted of jogging a bit, then walking a lot, and repeat.  I lost interest by the middle of May and went back to my old ways.  For the next two months I pretended that I was in good enough shape to run the 5k.  I finished in 34:20.  To this day, I still don’t know how I pulled that time out of my ass.

Back to being a bum.  Then, in April 2008 I registered again for the same race, but was having issues with my health and eventually had to bow out.  Bummer.  Back to the couch.

In April 2009 I was yet again foolish enough to sign up for the same race.   I had a rough 2009, and didn’t train at all.  I didn’t even exercise.  I ran (that’s funny, RAN) the race with my cousin and finished in 42 minutes.  The rest of 2009 was terrible and wonderful all at the same time.  I said goodbye to many friends and family members for different reasons, and I feel like I finally got myself together long enough to purchase a house, a car, and start living my own life.  On my own.  Since then, i’ve had to deal with a lot of things that come with being an adult and i’m learning that i’m so much stronger than I could ever give myself credit for.

My goal in life is to provide for myself, mentally, emotionally and physically, and depend on no one.  I know i’m getting stronger and more comfortable in dealing with my “issues”, and I can already feel that i’ve changed for the better.  I’m no longer a wild gypsy jumping from person to person, depending on them to make me feel good about myself.

So, for my next trick I want to form a jogging habit.